![]() Most comedians are good, trustworthy people. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokesīert: “Ernie, how do I look?” Ernie: “With your eyes, Bert.” -Ernie, Sesame StreetĪ guy walked into a bar… And was disqualified from the limbo contest. It’s called ‘peer-enting.’” -Phil Dunphy, Modern Family “It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.” -Homer Simpson, The SimpsonsĬlark: “I’ll have a coke.” Flight attendant: “Do you want that in the can?” Clark: “No, I’ll have it right here.” -Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s European Vacationĭad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. Why did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut. How much did the pirate’s new earrings cost him? A buccaneer! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes Have you heard the joke about paper? Good that you haven’t, it’s tearable! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes Kathy: “Wow, you have really gorgeous hair.” Chandler: “Thanks, I grow it myself.” -Chandler Bing, Friends I’ll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus… But graphing is where I draw the line. He replied, “I didn’t know it was on fire.” -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes I asked my dad if he could put the cat out. Whole-ass one thing.” -Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation My 3-year-old son said, “Put my shoes on.” I told him, “I think my feet are too big.” -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho cheese! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes “Call me Delta Airlines ‘cause I can’t handle your extra baggage!” -Ned Flanders, The Simpsons What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes He replied, “Don’t worry, it’ll grow on you.” -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes To the guy who invented the zero… Thanks for nothing. Pam: “We’re hoping our interview seals the deal.” Jim: “If not, there’s always the army…the infantry.” -Jim Halpert, The Office “Sorry, I was all up in your grill about cooking yesterday.” -Bob Belcher, Bob’s BurgersĪ genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.” -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokesĭaughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?” Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.” -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. It’s going in the living room.” -Clark Griswold, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation Russ: “Dad, this tree won’t fit in our backyard.” Clark: “It’s not going in the yard, Russ. What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa. When is the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes Monica: “Okay, I’ve got a leg, three breasts and a wing.” Chandler: “How do you find clothes that fit?” -Chandler Bing, Friends Me: “Did you get a haircut?” Dad: “No, I got them all cut.” -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes So I guess we’ll just have to ‘wing’ it.” -Phil Dunphy, Modern Family ![]() “I drew up plans for Duckingham Palace, but I can’t find them. Why can’t two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks. What do you call someone who dresses up like a noodle? An impasta! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes How long does it take to make butter? An echurnity! -Submitted to Reddit Dad Jokes When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent.
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